Joshua T Craig

In a galaxy far, far away, where everyone speaks English, planets have one climate, and nobody ever says “I need to use the bathroom”, Star Wars has become the most beloved space opera of all time. It’s a franchise that spans generations and billions of dollars.

People can move objects with their minds but still struggle with basic parenting, Star Wars reigns supreme. We got timeless heroes, iconic villains, and the most impractical walkways in cinematic history. Seriously. Who designed the Death Star with so many bottomless pits?

But beneath the epic battles and stirring John Williams scores lies a universe that’s… well, kind of ridiculous.

In the Star Wars universe, every planet is legally required to have exactly one climate:

• Hoth: Ice planet. No beaches. No sunscreen. Just frostbite and tauntaun guts.
• Tatooine: Desert planet. Two suns, zero shade, and sand that Anakin really hates.
• Endor: Forest moon. Home to teddy bears with spears.
• Mustafar: Lava planet. Great for barbecues, bad for limbs.

Apparently, planetary diversity is frowned upon. You want mountains and oceans? Sorry, that’s for the new sequel trilogy or the clone wars cartoon.

Jedi are the galaxy’s elite peacekeepers, trained from childhood to suppress emotions, ignore attachments, and wear robes that scream “I haven’t done laundry in weeks.” Their weapon of choice? A glowing sword for a more elegant time that can slice through steel but somehow bounces off plot armor.

Known for their wisdom, restraint, and complete inability to spot a Sith Lord sitting two feet away. Sometimes they speak in riddles. Their training involves blindfolds, cryptic advice, and occasionally doing flips.

Also, their solution to emotional problems? “Don’t have any.” Great advice, unless you’re Anakin Skywalker, who took that personally and burned half the galaxy.

Their training includes:

• Blindfolded lightsaber duels.
• Cryptic advice from Yoda like “Do or do not, there is no try,” which sounds deep until you realize it’s just bad coaching.
• Being told to avoid love, which works out great for Anakin.

Also, Jedi Council meetings are 90% sitting in chairs and 10% ignoring obvious red flags.

Sith Lords are ex-Jedi who got tired of being told “no.” Their hobbies include:

• Wearing black.
• Speaking in raspy voices.
• Building superweapons with one glaring design flaw.
• They love red lightsabers
• Monologuing before fights

They love dramatic entrances, lightning fingers, and recruiting apprentices who will inevitably betray them. It’s like a toxic mentorship program with capes.

And let’s not forget Emperor Palpatine, who somehow returned from the dead in Episode 9. At this point, he’s less a character and more a recurring software bug. Ah Darth Vader, the galaxy’s most iconic asthmatic. He went from whining about sand to force-choking coworkers in record time. It’s like they want to lose.

Droids are everywhere, doing everything, and getting zero respect:

• C-3PO: Fluent in six million languages, yet constantly told to shut up. And annoys everbody.
• R2-D2: Has saved the galaxy more times than any Jedi, but still treated like a glorified USB stick.
• BB-8: A rolling ball with more personality than half the cast. And a lighter for some reason.
• IG-11: A nanny assassin robot. Because why not?

They’re the backbone of the rebellion, the comic relief, and the only characters who never get moody.

Stormtroopers are the Empire’s elite soldiers, trained to miss every shot and fall over like bowling pins. Their armor offers the protection of a paper towel, their aim is legally blind, and their helmets make them sound like they’re talking through a Pringles can.

Terrifying in numbers and adorable at aiming. They couldn’t hit a parked speeder if their lives depended on it. And yet, they keep showing up, like glitter after a craft project. It’s like the Empire bulk ordered incompetence.

The Star Wars galaxy is full of incredible ships that defy logic:

• The Millennium Falcon is held together by duct tape and hope.
• The Death Star has bottomless pits with no railings.
• Every ship its a hotrod.

And don’t forget the trash compactor scene, where the heroes nearly die because someone thought “Let’s put a monster in the garbage.” Also the trash compactor scene implies that somebody threw away a monster that will help you drown.

The Force is described as an energy field that binds the galaxy together. In practice, it’s a magical plot device that does whatever the story needs:

• Lift rocks? Sure.
• Ghost projection across planets? Why not.
• Heal fatal wounds with a hug? Absolutely.

The Force can do anything. Need to stop a spaceship? Force. Want to survive being thrown down a reactor shaft? Force. It’s the Swiss Army knife of storytelling. It’s like the writers said, “We need a miracle,” and the Force replied, “Hold my blue milk.”

Star Wars is less a sci-fi epic and more a family therapy session with explosions:

• Luke finds out Darth Vader is his dad.
• Leia finds out she kissed her brother.
• Kylo Ren is the grandson of Vader, son of Han and Leia, and somehow still thinks his helmet is a good idea.

The Skywalker family tree is basically a flowchart of bad decisions and lightsaber injuries.

The sequel trilogy gave us:

• A new Death Star, but bigger.
• A new Emperor, but older.
• A new chosen one, but with a different gender.

It’s like the writers opened a mystery box and found… another mystery box. But hey, at least we got porgs.

Star Wars is a universe where:

• People survive lava.
• Ghosts give advice.
• Everyone forgets how many times droids have saved the day.
• Queens have really elaborate dresses.
• Bounty hunters can’t kill shit

Beneath the absurdity is a story about hope, rebellion, and the eternal struggle between good and evil.

Star Wars is a saga of epic battles, deep lore, and endless merchandising. It’s a universe where every planet has breathable air, every villain has a redemption arc, and every hero has a complicated family tree. Whether you love the originals, tolerate the prequels, or debate the sequels, one thing’s for sure: Star Wars will keep expanding until even Gonk has a backstory.